actuality

our hopes and expectations

black holes and revelations

let's hit rewind.

Monday, July 23, 2007

surrender my soul.

it's not that i dont love you anymore. it's not that it doesnt pain me anymore. but both my heart and mind is tired. heart; because of getting hurt over and over agn. mind; because of trying and having to read your mind. i'm so numbed, so used to it. i guess people often regret much after everything's gone. and boy, i did. i'm too afraid to do anything. and i know deep inside even if this love is worth giving another go, i really dun wan to fall again.

i just pray and hope that this heart of mine will heal. i didnt wan to put away these memories, but i guess they hurt too much, too deep.

i'm not myself lately.
i'm sorry.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

i watched it fall apart

how to go abt life when i dun even feel like me anymore. my daily life is so routined. i'm losing the strength to go on. i keep thinking of giving up. nvr felt so bad before. my life's fallen apart so badly. tell me what to do. you left me here, alone. it was so sudden. we didnt even have any major fight or quarrel. and everything just ended. cos your feelings gone, and i'm passive. these reasons i tell myself every night. very much i wan to make it all up to you, and have things restart. but ur feelings gone, perhaps to some other girls. and i'll nvr get it back. in the lonely nights, i really wish to have you here. but you werent. when i'm down, i prayed and cried for you. but u didnt come. sometimes u did, and i clearly know u are merely my friend. and i didnt ask for more. some other times, i dun even think we can even be friends. all the unsent messages, and uncalled calls.. boy, i miss you. i hate it when i'm here and you are out there searching for the right one. i didnt mean to be such a fool, cos i know u wont be back. but you were my everything and i've lost it all. sometimes i wished i had to courage to say no. cos i didnt wan the short break. i didnt wan to break up. but if i held on, would things have changed? cos your heart aint even with me. maybe it was better things go this way. at least i didnt have the chance to sink any deeper. people say u just aint the one and u're not worth it. i told myself that a million times. i chant it day and night to get u off my mind. but my heart defended you with all its might, closing its doors to these chants. sometimes, i dun even know what i'm doing. it's not like i'm waiting for you, because i dun even know how to trust you agn. but then agn, i really wan you back sometimes. i draw this line between you and me. knowing my limits. because i know if i crossed it, i'll only hurt myself even more. and who knows if it will hurt you too? to all the forgone promises, i cry myself to bed. to all the memories back then, the sleepless nights. do you even experience the same pain i feel? no, i bet you didnt. these inflictions of pain, i'm still trying to get over. boy, i loved you so.. and i really hate myself for loving you.

if u can hear me,
i really wan to go back to the past.